Various Species of Fuccbois Ignoramus Foodeus

OvidMy good friend, Lord Cheseline of Maiden Lot – and only Gourmay reader from an Ivy League School – is fond of quoting Ovid while he takes his morning shower. Some people in Chestertown, Maryland think he is rather daffy, but I hear the “old hens” in his “Continuing Education” class at Washington College really “dig” listening to Lord Cheseline “talk dirty” in Latin.

Personally, I find Ovid in Latin to be more palatable and pleasing to the ear than so-called “music” that the younger generation download to their iPhones. Mind you, most people tend to disagree.  A good friend respectfully asked an acquaintance to switch to the classical station in her auto and her friend responded: “Do you mean DWM music?” (Editor’s Note: DWM stands for “Dead White Men”).  I pray for Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms and the many others – male and female – who continue to enrich our daily lives through “music of the angels” even though “Hips Don’t Lie” Shakira has never heard of them.

In any event, Lord Cheseline – most certainly the only person I know who reads the New York Times in Latin – brought to my attention a delectable article on the eating and sedentary habits of the younger generation entitled: Various Species of Fuccbois Ignoramus Foodeus. I quote from the article in its entirety to determine if any of these memes are caricatures of your offspring.  If so, keep it to yourself.

An Illustrated Food Guide to Modern-Day Foodies

If we learned anything from our “State of The Union: What is a Foodie?” panel, it’s that the word is still a very polarizing descriptor—both a badge of honor and mark of shame, depending on whom you’re speaking to. A self-anointed foodie is just as much loathed by the public as the foodie who denies all association. That’s what originally prompted us to hit up culinary-world fixtures like Roy Choi and Andrew Zimmern to weigh in on whether to embrace the term or banish it altogether. The fact that no consensus was reached teaches us a valuable lesson: Everyone has an idea of what a foodie is, even if their definitions are all over the map.

As contemporary food culture continues to expand beyond Molto Mario and seep into pop culture currents, it has generated a whole new subset of “foodies”—like hypebeasts who’ll wait hours in line to try the newest Taco Bell breakfast item, or Brunch Queens who believe that getting plastered on mimosas is the highest form of Sunday entertainment. Being able to identify where people fall along the spectrum has become more relevant than ever.

To help you spot the different species that lurk these streets, we’ve equipped you with a handy field guide, complete with specs, rituals, lingo, and physical characteristics. Be careful—it’s a jungle out there.

Illustrations by Louie Chin. Follow him on Twitter @loubot.

OUTER-BOROUGH STRIVER

OuterboroughThere is no greater sense of satisfaction for the Outer-Borough Striver than being the only white, English-speaking person at an Asian restaurant. He firmly believes that the true sign of a good eating experience is a hand-written placard that reads “cash only.” He will visibly get angry when you call ethnic food “ethnic” (despite claiming that he “discovered” really authentic Burmese food located in a zip code that you’ve never heard of). Weekends are planned around day-long trips with friends that show what “the city is really like”—living in the LES is insufferable, after all. Rides for xiaolongbao harder than Chinese people do.

Apps on iPhone: Word Lens, Angry Birds
Listens to: Fela Kuti, Indonesian gamelan, Tito Puente, Mongolian throat-singers
Reads: Alt-weeklies
Illicit thrill: Finding the most authentic regional Northern Chinese noodle house and not telling anyone about it
Worships at the altar of: Jonathan Gold, Robert Sietsema, Andrew Zimmern, immigrant Uber drivers
Eats at: The Flushing Mall, anywhere on Valley Boulevard in the San Gabriel Valley

GRAINBOWL GODDESS

CoolGirlOstensibly a self-effacing “health nut” (that shame-eats Shake Shack), this downtown cool girl only drinks cocktails with muddled cucumbers and punny names like “Beets by Dre”—although she has never heard of the word appropriation. She can often be spotted at the farmers’ market with a New Yorker tote bag, Instagramming everything but buying nothing. Her ultimate dream? To quit her job in PR and “go work on a farm”—and when she says “farm,” she means Blue Hill at Stone Barns, and when she says “work,” she means “job in social media.” Learned about all of the best Brooklyn spots through GOOP. Aspires to be “bi-coastal.”

Apps on iPhone: Path, Bitmoji, PicStitch, Uber
Listens to: Haim, Blood Orange, Stevie Nicks (not Fleetwood Mac, just Stevie Nicks solo material), Banks
Reads: Cherry Bombe, The Cut, W, GOOP
Illicit thrill: Weed cookies, Molly Water
Worships at the altar of: Ruth Reichl, Man Repeller, The Bros Who Own Sweetgreen, The Olsen Twins
Eats at: Dimes, El Rey, Jack’s Wife Freda

FEUDO-DJ

DJGiven that he hasn’t been in the same time zone for more than 24 hours in the past two months, this gastronomically inclined lord of the decks is always ready for a meal—anytime, anywhere (as long as it’s really, really late). While he can tell you a dope place to eat near any club scene from Arkansas to Auckland, he’s happiest when his tour schedule takes him through Tokyo, where he can be found Instagramming endless bowls of tonkotsu ramen. Sure, he’s got enough pill-popping anecdotes to last the whole flight to Reykjavík, but those days are behind him—”omakase is the new molly,” he’ll tell you over Line, and he’s developed a taste for Yamazaki 12 now. Want to hang? Swing by the new Korean-style izakaya concept in downtown Vegas that he just invested in—anytime after 4am is cool.

Apps on iPhone: DJ Player, Shazaam
Listens to: “Anything open format”
Reads: Mix, Djmag, ramen blogs
Illicit thrill: Chick-fil-A at the airport
Worships at the altar of: Anthony Bourdain, Jiro, the superheroes of “Ramen Alley”
Eats at: Ramen Lab, Lawson

PIZZABOI

pizzaboyCrusty skater punks may not have full-time jobs, but they’ve found a career in searching for powerful pizza memes—like this one. This chilled-out bro has always wanted a ‘za tattoo, but mom won’t let him. Forget porn: A bonafide pizzaboi jerks off to a poster of Katy Perry wearing a pepperoni-covered jumpsuit. He truly believes there is a Pizza Illuminati led by the Fat Jewish, and he’s desperate to join. Can regale you with “epic tales” of every scar on his body and dollar slice in his past.

Apps on iPhone: Domino’s, Papa John’s, Fish Eye Lens
Listens to: Burger Records, Ty Segall
Reads: Slice Magazine, Quarter Snacks, Thrasher
Illicit Thrill: Landing an ollie—with a pizza slice in both hands
Worships at the altar of: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jason Dill, Fuck Jerry, Slice Harvester
Eats at: 2 Bros., Max Fish

JET-SETTER FINANCE GUY

Jet SetterBig Reds, big appetites, and big thrills—the ultimate trifecta of luxury. This globe-trotting money man wears RL jeans to a “hip” restaurant because his guy at the Polo Mansion told him they’re “authentic.” He’ll make sure to let the hostess know he’s paying for his Tock “dynamic deposit ticket” with a Visa black card. If he wants a casual night out, he’ll grab his Marquis Jet hat for a simple order of lobster mac-and-cheese. Always orders his meals by do-ing things (“We’ll do a porterhouse for two, and we’ll do some truffle fries”). A good restaurant, he’ll assure you, “feels alive” with hospitality. He loves nothing more than to banter with the sommelier or waiter—since, as a minority investor of another restaurant, he can “connect to the people.” Still Ubers to Roberta’s. Loves taking kitchen selfies with Michelin-starred chefs.

Apps on iPhone: Dow Jones Industrial, Bloomberg Business
Listens to: Whatever Pete Tong tells them is cool (plus Hayden to deal with stress)
Reads: Monocole, Robb Report, the “Pink Pages”
Illicit thrill: Credit-card roulette after a meal at Carbone
Worships at the altar of: Jeffrey Chodorow, Ron Berkle, Steve Wynn, Drew Nieporent
Eats at: Nello, Arlington Club, Polo Bar (if they can get in), Hakkasan, Cipriani

FIRST-WAVE GENTRIFIER

hipsterThe hipster doesn’t want to make a big deal out of the invite-only soft opening he attended the other day, but will tell you anyway. He’s friends with people who own Roberta’s, Bowery Presents, or Union Pool, but won’t readily admit it. He travels by fixed-gear bike gang (matching tats, duh), and constantly talks about “moving to Philly.” Just to be clear: He was at Rockaway Taco before you. Claims to read and understand Le Fooding. Has made multiple appearances as “Third Person From The Left Eating A Satay on Chef’s Night Out.” Thinks Ridgewood is the hot new dining neighborhood, but doesn’t want to admit it, so he publicly tells people he’s really into Middle Village these days. Only drinks “Bud Heavy” but is currently experimenting with herbs de Provence bitters and his own Fernet, which he bone luges. Deep dark secret: Duke alumnus.

Apps on iPhone: Simply Organic, Seasons
Listens to: Father John Misty, Tennis, Arcade Fire, Serial (before you did)
Reads: Modern Farmer, Diner Journal
Illicit thrill: Seeing estranged father, but only when he’s picking up the tab (at Del Posto); waiting in line to buy a Cronut (hoping none of his friends will see)
Worships at the altar of: Andrew Tarlow, Ignacio Mattos, “My friend Danny [Bowien]”
Eats at: Bun-Ker (“It’s a nice ride”)

FLEX-ITARIAN

Hype BeastEverything he learned about food is through Action Bronson’s Fuck, That’s Delicious. He has acquired multiple sets of Supreme espresso cups that sit on top of a $100 dollar design book with a spine that’s never been cracked. Like any good hypebeast, he always wakes up extra early so he can be first in line to snag the newest limited-edition Shake Shack burger special (and, of course, has his girlfriend save him a spot in the Supreme line, too). He still thinks Jacques Pepin is one of the two robots from Daft Punk. Prefers food that has a logo on it (e.g., Umami Burger) and considered traveling to Japan just to eat at the new Taco Bell. Breaks out the deadstock The Hundreds x Tapatio collabo when he invites his girl over for taco night.

Apps on iPhone: VSCO cam, Instagram, Doodle Jump, Supreme, SNKR
Listens to: Kanye, Odd Future, Travis Scott, A$AP Rocky
Reads: Complex, Hypebeast
Illicit thrill: Sneaking past the line at Kinfolk, Duane Reade sushi
Worships at the altar of: Jeff Staple, Eddie Huang, Nigo
Eats at: Cafe Habana (elote), Shake Shack, Sweet Chick, McDonald’s when the McRib is on

BEER NERD

beer nerdClad in ill-fitting jeans and a t-shirt from a brewpub you’ve never heard of, the beer nerd’s idea of personal hell is a bar that only has Bud Light and Goose Island IPA on tap (sell outs!). That new brewery you really love? He’ll have you know it contract-brews out in Wilkes-Barre and is totally overrated. Oh, and that black IPA you tried last week? The beer nerd prefers to call it a “Cascadian Dark Ale,” thankyouverymuch, and he’ll be sure to remind you that he couldn’t hang out that night because he was tasting oak-aged, spontaneously fermented sours at a nanobrewery in the Deschutes Forest. This weekend, he’s looking forward to pulling his Sriracha-infused stout out of the fermenter (a.k.a., a bucket in his closet), then hitting up a bottle swap with a dude who just scored a haul of Heady Topper. His breath smells like a dime bag (did you know that hops and cannabis are part of the same family?), but don’t you dare suggest he has a drinking problem—would a real alcoholic drink vintage gueuze on the regular?

Apps on iPhone: Untappd, Tap Hunter, BJCP Styles
Listens to: GWAR, Dave Matthews Band, Phish, live Pig Destroyer recordings from Dark Lord Day
Reads: Beer Advocate, Yankee Brew News, Ale Street News
Illicit thrill: Paying homeless people to wait in line for extra bottles of Cigar City Hunahpu
Worships at the altar of: Sean Hill, Vinnie Cilurzo, Michael Jackson (the writer, not the pop star), “my friend Sam (Calagione)”
Eats at: The nearest gastropub with 20+ taps and meat served on wooden boards

BRUNCH BETCH

brunchbetchThe Brunch Betch can be spotted in the wild (a.k.a. Nolita) pounding on her iPhone and complaining about the calories in the Eggs Benny (all while sucking a quart of orange concentrate-flavored vodka through a straw). She went to State School (or had a State School Experience at an Ivy), and she will only order the french toast after a successful week of “skinny days” where she eats Liquiteria açaí bowls that she doesn’t realize are extremely high in fat. At least half of everything in her clutch is bedazzled in Swarovski, which is why you’ll never see her in the East Village (she still thinks Alphabet City is “totally sketchy” in 2015). Watches Broad City (doesn’t get the jokes). Last seen stumbling out of Pranna with her flats in her hand at 2:43 pm, yelling “Yassssss, bitch! Yassssss!”

Bag (daddy-bought): Celine
Bag (boyfriend-bought): Birkin
Bag (self-bought): Lily Pulitzer/Vera Bradley Weekender
Apps on iPhone: Tinder, JDate, MyFitnessPal
Listens to: Taylor Swift, Mumford & Sons, Zedd
Reads: Elite Daily, Buzzfeed, Cosmo, really whatever’s in her Facebook feed
Illicit thrill: Lying about SoulCycle, trying “dim sum” while shopping for knock-off bags on Canal
Worships at the altar of: Ryan Gosling, Lauren Conrad
Eats at: (Uptown) Sarabeth’s, (Downtown) The Dutch, (Brooklyn) Five Leaves

FRATBOY-TURNED-FOODIE

FratboyAs a newly-reformed foodie who has recently graduated from Bud Light and Natty Ice, this bro will confidently refer to Stella Artois as “craft beer.” He jokes with his boys about aspiring to one day eat like Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi but is secretly manorexic. Was especially pissed off when his two other roommates also dressed like Guy Fieri last Halloween. His desk at work constantly looks like he just did a week’s worth of shopping at Trader Joe’s, but those are just his “pre-gym snacks.” He honestly never realized how dope Brooklyn was until he ate a ramen burger at Smorgasburg. Since he tore his ACL and can’t play football anymore, he spends his weekends building smokers out of garbage cans on his Murray Hill rooftop.

Apps on iPhone: Immaculate Infatuation, Tindr
Listens to: Macklemore, Tiesto, Diplo, Avicii, G-Eazy
Reads: Foodbeast, ESPN, Total Frat Move, BroBible
Illicit thrill: Inhaling bags of ShackBurgers on cheat day
Worships at the altar of: Adam Richman, Guy Fieri, Epic Meal Time, Dan Bilzerian
Eats at: Hill Country BBQ, Dallas BBQ, Bro Jo’s, other “real” barbecue spots

I wish I could be this COOL, but these are caricatures of the younger generation that normally give GourMay a pass. I am sure that Sheila will soon be opting for someone younger and more “in touch” with current “foodie” trends than me. At least granddaughter Corinne still thinks I am cool, but she hasn’t gone to school yet.

Wild Turkey Day in Chestertown

Wild Turkey SeasonIf I had known that we would be celebrating “Turkey Day” in Chestertown, MD, I would have invited Taleggio Langston to join us.  On April 20, they kick off the opening of the wild turkey season for hunters in Maryland.  Brave camouflaged “bwanas” from all over the country descend on tranquil towns and villages on the banks of the Chester river to hunt these beautiful birds.  I have been told that wild turkey (if properly cooked) tastes like  . . . chicken, but I have no way of knowing for sure.  In Chestertown, most wild game is thrown into a slow-cooker with three cans of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup and cooked for 12 hours.

Mind you, most vegetarians think hunters are sadistic killers with unresolved childhood problems. Actually, hunters are quite smart at “gaming” the system.  It seems that the ultimate tax dodge is to buy a piece of property greater than 20 acres to create your own private hunting preserve.  State governments subsidize this counter-intuitive behavior by creating a tax-break for “farmers” who plant a “money crop” on the farmland:  hay is a great cover for pheasant, although pesticides from Monsanto have killed most of them off.

Actually, it was simply a coincidence that we happened to be in Chestertown for the start of wild turkey season.  Sheila and I travelled south to visit our friends Lord Cheseline and Lady Mary Anne of Maiden Lot Farm.    Despite being a rather quaint farm town, Chestertown has got more culture than our hometown of Greenwich.  Furthermore, it has one of the oldest colleges in the United States:  Washington College.

Chestertown has a lot going on for even the most jaded bon vivant, but we appreciate the “small town” feel of a local market, bakery, cheese store and used bookstore.  Found below are just a few samples of food items that we found last weekend.   Please note that the beautiful mushrooms are grown by a college student trying to pay for tuition and boarding.

Chestertown mushooms

Chestertown Flowers

Chestertown Spices

Thanks to our lovely hosts for a delightful weekend and a less than memorable golf outing.

Don’t Mess with Texas Eating Habits

As a retired person, all I do most days is watch my dwindling 401K and play checkers with the neighbor’s dog (Editor’s Note:  The dog even lets me win once in a while).    For most Americans with arrested development, “Super Bowl Sunday” is the highlight of their year:  “The 1%” actually attend the game, while the other 99% watch it on TV.   I’ll certainly tune in to see how many times Katy Perry will change costumes during her 15 minute half-time appearance.

In order to address everyone’s eating disorder, we will be preparing Martha Stewart’s Turkey and Bean Chili which was featured in Gourmay a couple of year’s ago.   Sheila has decided that we will “skip the beans” since we have quite a few tamales left over from Christmas and that she will cut back on the molasses.   Makes sense to me, but then I wish I was in Texas celebrating the Super Bowl in style with my relatives.   The food pyramid in Texas is quite a bit different than the one recommended by the FDA.

texas_food_pyramid

Certainly, I can understand how Texans view the world somewhat differently than the folks on the East Coast, but most gunslingers don’t drink lattes at Starbucks either.

No Child Left BehindMind you, I am sensitive to eating disorders but feel that gluten-free and low-sodium diets have gotten a bit out of hand. Most Americans apparently agree with me as over 9 billion hamburgers were consumed last year – an increase of 3% over the previous year. The “Talking Heads” on CNBC are suggesting that McDonald’s recent stock-price slump indicates that Americans are developing “healthier eating habits.” Really??? How do you explain the insane stock price of Burger Shack IPO which debuted yesterday on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol SHAK.   Only the inspired leaders of Alpine, who benefitted by W’s “no child  left behind” policies could possibly argue that 63 burger joints should have a market valuation of near $2 billion.

Regardless of what you are eating on Super Bowl Sunday, enjoy!

Due to popular demand, I reprint Martha’s inspired recipe for Tex-Mex Turkey Chili (everything tastes better with Benton’s bacon):

Tex-Mex Turkey and Bean Chili

Ingredients (Serves 8)

  • 4 slices bacon (4 ounces), cut crosswise into 1/2-inch-thick strips.  Please order Benton’s bacon now!  Benton’s bacon is great for this type of recipe.
  • 3 pounds ground dark-meat (at least 7% fat) turkey
  • 4 onions, coarsely chopped
  • 4 garlic cloves, minced
  • 2 jalapeño chiles, minced (ribs and seeds removed for less heat, if desired)
  • 3 Tbs chili powder
  • 3 Tbs unsweetened cocoa powder (essential ingredient for dark rich chili)
  • 4 tsp ground cumin
  • 2 cans (28 ounces each) whole peeled tomatoes in puree
  • 2 Tbs un-sulfured molasses  (Editor’s Note:  Sheila with halve this for this Super Bowl)
  • 1 cup of water
  • Coarse salt
  • 3 cans (15 1/2 ounces each) pinto beans drained and rinsed (Editor’s Note:  Maybe eliminated or drastically reduced)
  • Assorted toppings, such as cheddar cheese, sour cream, pickled jalapeño slices and fresh cilantro

Preparation

  1. Heat a Dutch oven or heavy 5-quart pot over medium heat.  Add bacon; cook, stirring occasionally, until crisp, 6 to 8 minutes.  Raise heat to high; add turkey.  Cook, stirring and breaking up meat with a spoon, until no longer pink, 8 to 10 minutes.
  2. Add onions, garlic and jalapeños; cook until soft, stirring often, about 6 minutes.  Stir in chili powder, cocoa, and cumin; cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 1 minute.
  3. Break up tomatoes with kitchen shears or with your hands, and add them to the pot along with the puree.  Add molasses, the water and 4 tsps of salt; bring to a boil.  Reduce heat to a simmer; cook, partially covered for 30 minutes more.  Serve hot with assorted toppings as desired.

– See more at: http://gourmay.net/recipes/fowl-recipes/turkey-and-bean-chili/#sthash.Hpl1sCRY.dpuf